Requiem of 2024

It's been quite a long time since I last wrote! Almost a year according to my records. Fun little fact - did you know that besides 'remembrance', requiem also means "a Mass for the repose of the souls of the dead". I guess it's only fitting since we are nearing the end of the 2024 year and '25 is already on the horizon. This year has been full of memories, good and bad, that I've made - and with that, I have made some major self discovery and started in on a new era of much-needed healing. So I guess we should get into it, no time to waste! In Grinch voice "It's almost Christmas!"

(I did NOT in fact take this picture, as much as I'd like to take credit for it - thank you, Google Images "snow tumblr")

I guess I should start off by asking how are all of you? It's definitely been a year...which I feel like I keep telling myself every single time we're near the ending. It wasn't a horrible year. Like I said, I've done a lot of major self discovery and have started back into working on myself again. Which hasn't ended by the way. I know that when I start something new, sometimes it doesn't always stick. But I started going to therapy in August...and I've stuck with it. Let me first start by staying that going to therapy has been a revolutionary change for me. I only went to minimal therapy just after dad died in high school, stuck in an office for about 20-30 minutes with the school counselor (no hate to Justine, because she was actually really nice and understanding). However, I didn't get much out of it. And knowing a thing or two about angry teens that would rather be some place else, I completely understand where they are coming from now after working with them. Therapy has opened my eyes, my heart, and my mind to being vulnerable again. It really feels freaking great to be validated - at the same time, it takes a hell of a lot of work to confront your feelings and your actions. What triggers you, what actions may not have been the best on your part but why you reacted the way that you did. I think the great thing about it is that I found a great therapist, and it feels like I'm talking to someone that doesn't judge me. That's the other catch all with therapy is that you have to find someone that you mesh with, which I know is where the drop off for some people is. I feel like I just got really lucky with a great person.

In 2025, I'm officially going dayshift. I know it sounds crazy, especially after dedicating practically 5 years of my life to being a night owl. I started to do midshifts this year (11A-11P) and I fell in love with the change in schedule. Seeing the world in the daylight and being able to get things done around the house, hang out with my friends, and stick to plans really helped solidify that decision for me. I'm still working at Riley, and I still very much love my job. There's some underlying fear with that though - it'll be 3 years next year since I started working at Riley. When I was working in Bloomington, I got burned out after about 2.5 years and was having a really hard time. This is the opposite effect here in Indy. I've only grown to love my job, find more opportunity to lead in my current role, and it feels like when it's time to start going back to school it'll be an easier transition for me. I've made a ton of friends on nights and I've made some more connections on days as well - but I know that my besties, like Rebeckah, Mackenzie, Melissa, and Amy, still have my heart on nightshift :) I love what I do and it's felt like I've actually made differences working with my kids - note, when I say 'my kids', know that I don't actually have children of my own yet, although I can't wait for the day to be a mom lol. But not any time soon! But the work I've been able to do with these kids, especially with trauma informed care and losing a parent, working through the hurdles of family trauma and stuff, has felt like I'm doing something right. I don't see myself leaving any time soon and I think when the time comes to start pursuing my NP, I'm going to stay working with the pediatric population. I'd still love to keep working with a focus in behavioral health, but that all depends if I want to work in my own clinic or office and do more therapy-focused work or all around medicine...still TBD.

Another milestone this year - Mimi is in remission! I think I've talked about it briefly here on the blog but not completely in depth. Mimi was diagnosed with dedifferentiated liposarcoma back in 2022. She's been through lots and lots of rounds of chemo and 2 bouts of aggressive surgery...the last one being in September this year. Funny enough, I made a little hand drawn card for her of all of the organs she's had taken out - the list goes as follows: right kidney, gall bladder, part of her psoas muscle (in her back), liver, spleen, and part of her small bowel. Thankfully we aren't dealing with any colostomy because I already know Sue McAtee would've said hell to the NO for that one! But she's been through more than enough. So when our family go the news in October that there were no new growths and no presence of stupid-idiotic cancer in sight, we were jumping with joy. I was nervous, as was all of my family. I haven't prayed in a long time, but I revisited it briefly towards the end of this year when we learned surgery was a serious possibility again. Our family needed some good news. Mimi and Papaw keep this family in line...no jokes there. I was even more happy that they were able to get back to their humble abode of a condo down in Fort Myers again. The Blue-Bird special I call it!

A absolute angel (and yes, I got permission to use her photo) - she was NOT a fan of the dual IVs though.

This year hasn't been all sunshine and rainbows though. When you do some self discovery, you unveil some of the mess and chaos that still remain. I know there's a lot I still have to work on. I wrote down boundaries at the beginning of the year that I didn't stick to, and I'm still kicking myself for it. I neglected connections I made throughout the year that I didn't nurture enough, and I know those would've been healthier to pursue rather than some of the avenues I chose to go down instead. I didn't see my family as often as I wanted to, and while my work schedule can be hectic especially while being on nights, I felt like that could've been a healthier escape when I needed to get away from home. There were things I tried to change that I knew deep down I couldn't, both situations and people. I held out a lot of hope when I should've focused on myself. I lacked on a lot of self care that I should've kept at the forefront. I fell in love in situations where feelings weren't reciprocated - when I should've been focusing on myself the entire time. I fell into a pattern again of leading with my body before I led with my head and my heart, and for that I really let myself down. Most of all, I hid the best parts of myself, how silly and outgoing I can be, to fit into a mold that just ISN'T ME. And for that last part, and for the parts where I let that list of boundaries go, I apologize to myself. That should've NEVER happened.

I want to talk about Bonnaroo for a minute. And while everyone talks about how life changing it is, I second that statement. Being around a ton of people, in a new place you've never been, the possibilities are endless. Being at Bonnaroo was one of the best experiences of my life but emotionally one of the worst. I went off on my own a lot, stood in crowds of people who didn't know me from Adam, cried to myself behind sunglasses quite a bit. But when I tell you it was one of the most rewarding experiences ever, I mean it. It taught me a lot about the connections I have around me, my ability to self-soothe and cope, and what matters most to me. I also found one of my favorite bands ever through that experience too - shout out to Medium Build, holy shit. I felt both celebrated and alone turning 26 this year. Away from my family at home, alone in a sea of people, driving back home and driving around Indy at night, eating a very melty blizzard from Dairy Queen. The Pink Pony Club birthday party later on in June was helpful in cheering me up, paying homage to seeing the great queen at Roo, so that was somewhat helpful in cheering my spirits up. A lot of things happened between the span of June to August, (let's also not forget that breakdown in September around Taylor Swift party in Bloomington that never actually happened, but I won't get into that - very much regret) before I finally felt serious about diving into therapy. And when I took that huge step into it, my life changed. So did my perspective.

Side note - these two...no words, just a lot of love for the both of them <3

So I had a new plan going into 2025 - for myself. I'm no longer going to hide the best parts of myself that make me, ME. I am not longer going to invite people into my bed that don't see it lasting long term. Instead of leading with my body, I want the seriousness. I want someone that genuinely wants to get to know me, that wants to spend time with me, that wants to act like two idiots exploring the world around them. I'm focused on long-term here. If that doesn't fit with the schedule, it doesn't fit with me. I feel like I've taken all of the excuses at this point, all of the 'giving second chances' and blocking out the red or yellow flags that come with that. I want a true relationship - I want to know that the time I give, the love, and patience I put in is something that is going to be reciprocated. I can't keep playing the 'cool girl' where I just brush it off. I deserve more than that, and it's time to buckle down. At the end of the day, I want all of the things that come with a monogamous relationship and one day, even a marriage. It's time to start respecting what I really want. It's time to stop playing myself and just take what's given - I don't care if that comes with being picky either. I'm also going to start standing up for myself. God, that feels good just to say. I've taken a lot of crap and degrading statements this year and it's time for that to end. I'm not a meek person, and I swear if my dad saw that I was just letting things get to me or walk all over me, he'd yell at me just for that! I want to be stronger but also stick to my boundaries that I've made for myself. I let that go out the window WAY too fast, and I very much regret that. And while I've respected a lot of boundaries myself set forth by other people, I let my guard down and my own criteria fall to the wayside. That stops here. And I won't be so quick to open up about myself unless someone is willing to listen and want to pursue that further.

This isn't meant to downgrade any relationships I've made over this past year. But I think it's important to reflect on areas where I've lacked what was necessary to make those connections last or create a stronger bond. And while I feel like I lost some respect for myself over last year, it doesn't mean I think any less of who I am. The beauty of starting a new year is that you start fresh. Where you've lost some strength in connections always has the potential to build back up. Where there's been breaking down of personal growth can skyrocket like never before. That's why it's so nice to have a "new" year.

After looking back on this year, I'm proud of myself. I'm happy that I have more insight than I have in the past to look back and not feel completely ashamed at how I did or how I handled things. Funny enough, I have a pin on my nurse badge that reads:

"Worry can't change the future

Regret can't change the past"

I also have a Pink Pony Club pin as well, but that's besides the point! The point is, I live by that little pin. As a constant worrier of the future and things I could've done or said in the past, it helps ground me back to the present moment. It happened, you can't change it...you must simply go with it and move on. As cool as it would be to time travel and all of that jazz, it wouldn't be the same. You wouldn't be a resilient, as knowledgeable, or as grateful as you are right now. I know the same can't be said for everyone...but for all of the bad things that have happened in this life, I can truly say that I'm thankful for those experiences to be who I am and where I am now. I'd never wish them on anyone else - but I wouldn't be the woman, friend, mentor, or daughter I am now without going through all of the trash that has happened. And there's still so much time and so many more experiences to go through and continue down the path of life. I can only hope that the continued connections, memories, and friends I've made/have throughout the last 27 years continue to stick with me.

Here's to another year after a much needed reflection of this one. I'm ready to take it on with full force.

(Not to be confused with the Republican attorney Robert T. Bennett from Ohio LOL)