A Long Overdue Update On The Trials & Tribulations of a "Sad Girl"

Evil, vile woman. That's how I've been seeing myself for the last month since this new year of 2023 rang in. The extent of this new year has consisted of drinking wine, laying in bed under my weighted blanket, and wallowing in self pity. And dear readers, if you know me best, that's not usually how I am. So I want to tell you a story. Were have I been? What if all of these feelings are just a matter of annual, seasonal depression that comes around to bite me in the ass? We will get into all of this, I promise. Apologies again that I've been away for so long. I promise I won't keep you waiting again this long.

Hi to all of you late night readers out there - it's that time again where I apologize to you YET AGAIN for being so absent and in the dark these past months. I think the last time I stepped foot on this blog with last year, right at the beginning of March. That's crazy! I feel bad because sometimes I feel like I come to the blog when my feelings are in between a rock and a hard place. Which isn't very fair to everyone out there because the blog is a safe haven for mental health.

So let me fill you in on how 2022 ended up for me. I moved all the way back to Indianapolis, my home place where it all started. I left my job and home in Bloomington at the end of May, and moved into a newly rented house smack dab in the center of Indiana. At the end of May/beginning of June, I started a new job of what I thought would be a life-changer - St. Vincent Stress Center. However, after about a month of orientation, I found myself down the rabbit hole once again. I realized it wasn't for me. And there was a slight issue where an old co-worker of mine, who shall NOT be named, was there...the past with that person was not the best experience and it wasn't going to be the best new start for me. So I hit to road once again on the hunt for a new job. An opening for Riley popped up and I took it. As the story goes, you never know what life will throw in your way. Sometimes it's a sign, good or bad, for a new change. I started my new job at Riley Children's Hospital in August and began working for the Adolescent Psych Behavioral Unit - which has now been my new home for almost 6 months. It's kind of crazy to believe how fast time has flown by.

This new job at Riley has been absolutely rewarding but heartbreaking at the same time. I thought that when I left my job at Bloomington, I would be seeing a lighter side of things to the psych world. But I found myself consumed in a new population, where there are people that are just as sad as adults, only starting younger and with more pain. So it became my mission to do what I could to spread the word about why it was so much better to start younger and get the help then until it seeped in too deep. I LOVE working with these kids. It's again been the best therapy for me. Not only am I getting to play card and board games on the unit, I'm helping them set goals for themselves and helping them to feel better about themselves every day. That is the whole reason that I wanted to come to psych in the first place. Help these kids when, at their age, I couldn't help or get myself the help that I needed. It's so amazing to see the changes that their minds go through. And being able to see a sad kid turn into one that is smiling and hearing them finally laugh while sitting with a group of friends...that's instant serotonin energy for me. To see the evolution is not only joyful...it's life-changing.

Another change that lil' Alyssa went through since March - I fell in love. This is the part that I take a big chug of wine and continue to type. I didn't just fall in love...I fell HARD. As you all know, I took a voluntary hiatus from the dating world. I shut down all of my dating apps at the end of 2021 and decided to focus on work and family for a good months. But then a change happened. I was ready. I wanted to have fun and feel free again. So I downloaded Bumble again at the beginning of March, and I met the most incredible person. That summer of 2022, my life accelerated so fast. And I held on. I loved the ride that I took, the journeys I went on, and the uncertainty of what would come. This person kept my head up while I was struggling with me job at St. V's and wondering if I had made the right decision when I moved to Indy. And when I got my new job at Riley, that person was right next to me, hyping me up for this new adventure in my life, tearing down all of the anxious thoughts that I had about the worry that it might be another failure. Things were okay for a while. But then eventually, the higher you rise, the harder you fall.

In September, my world caved in...a lot. Like those big random sinkholes that you see on the news that appear out of fucking nowhere. I find out that my Mimi, the love that holds my family together, had a spot on her kidney and back. Appointments set up and MRI/blood tests...the works. Everything to find out what the hell was going on and what we didn't know. Fast forward to October. My grandma Bush, my dad's mom, suddenly passes away from a heart attack. And in the same week, my other grandma is diagnosed with dedifferentiated liposarcoma on her back muscle and, for an added bonus, a tumor on her kidney. As you can imagine, I was unwell with all of this news. And I mean unwell in the worst way possible. I haven't shed that many tears in a while, but I bet if I would've collected all of my tears, I could have filled my Brita 10 times over. The one side of my family was burying the last of my legacy, while the other half was trying to figure out how to stop that from happening. I was a mess. A depressive mess that was trying to figure out what to do.

I don't blame the person in my life for finding it difficult to navigate the tragic waters that come with my family. I've said in a blog before that death in my family comes like an anniversary, and it was long overdue for something horrible to happen again. I've said there's a reason for my overabundance of black dresses and garments in my closet. Morbid to think about, right? So it's no wonder why I hadn't scared someone off like that sooner. But he stuck with me. Through the removal of my Mimi's cancer and her kidney, he visited at the hospital on the day of surgery. Took care of the dogs and house while I was away on the day of discharge. And while I cried in bed and couldn't sleep, he held me to try and get me to go to sleep. At the end of the day, there were things that couldn't fix how I was feeling. And I've been feeling this existential dread since all of that. Can you imagine how tiring it is to feel a depression for 4 months? Without a good night's sleep, without eating 3 full meals in the day, only to get up to let the dogs out and feed them, going to the grocery when absolutely necessary? Letting clothes pile up in your room from just not wanting to fold the laundry, dust collecting on the nightstands and furniture. It's sad when I think about it now. But while it sounds crazy and horrible and gross, you really won't understand it until you've gone through that feeling yourself.

At the end of December, we parted ways. For reasons that were mutual. And while there is still some hurt as to how it led up to it, there is still so much love there. While I feel like he absolutely hates me right now and we haven't seen each other since the new year began, I haven't completely fallen off the wagon. But yes, I'm grieving someone that I lost. And I think that a majority of it was my fault for not trying to get myself help to feel or be happier for that person standing next to me all that time. I feel like I could've done more things to help myself than consistently put more stress on another person already going through so much. I just have to say that I'm so sorry. I don't know if he'll ever read this. But I'm still very sad. And at the same time, I'm still very much in love. And I don't think that love will be going away any time soon. I shared 8 months of my life with this person, and they practically saw all of the ugly that came with how sad and damaged life can get for one person. They saw all of the emotion that went into grieving. And I thank God because I think He brought someone into my life at a good time before things got bad. And I just hope that one day God can bring that person back to me. I can see myself with this person for the rest of my life. Maybe that's also just my breakup grief trying to come out, but my love right now isn't going anywhere. When my brain tells me that this person is for real, I don't take that feeling lightly.

While this is more of an update blog about where things are at right now in my life, I want to say that I'm not going anywhere. I've been planning more things for this blog, more stories to tell my audience and more tales to make you laugh, to make you cry, and to lift you up when your spirits are low. I promise that my mental health crown isn't going anywhere anytime soon. I just hope you'll stick with me on this journey.

I love you guys a lot. I lift my glass of Oliver's Blueberry Moscato to you in hopes that this new year will be better than before. It does get better. Stick with me here. Until next time.