A Year of Absence and Self Discovery

'Twas the day before Christmas and all through the house,

Grady was snoring at the foot of the bed,

Definitely not easy to rouse.

Sitting under her weighted blanket,

hands typing furiously away

Lyssa had another story to share with you this holiday.

Another year passes,

and maybe not the best

but a much needed year of growth, healing,

and time to rest.

(Yeah, I wrote that lil' tidbit above! I'm very impressed with myself LOL)

Hi friends and family! Welcome back to the blog - as you know it's been 7 months since my last post...and let me assure you. I put on the perfect mask of "getting better" and "oh my gosh, you're doing so well, honey - are you doing something different?". I can tell you that in actuality, I was still very much on the long road ahead to repairing a broken self image, a shattered heart, and healing lost connections when I was isolating myself at home. But some celebrations are in order. It's been a year since a pretty bad breakup, a year since I thought I lost who I was, and also a year next month since I began no contact and stuck with it. I can tell you that the last year has been an incredibly hard but rewarding journey. So let's talk about it! Feel free to catch up with me over your morning coffee, while eating your Christmas Eve lunch, or by simply reading it in the coziness of your own bed, just as I am writing this now.

I want to begin by saying thank you. More so to the people that saw past all of the self deprecating thoughts that I voices oh so loudly through the better part of this year. For the people that didn't mind me playing Kate Bush's "Running Up Hill" while dancing like a gremlin around the house. For the people that sat up into the early hours of the morning, unfolding all of the bad memories that happened in December/January of last year pouring into this one. But the bad memories were where we made room for new ones.

I don't know if I told you guys in the last blog (and yes, I'm too lazy to just go back and look at it so stick with me, suckers), my best friend of 20 years, YES 20, moved in with me this year. Both going through difficult transitions, healing from hurt, and finding the path back to who we are as individuals. What a really F-ed up coincidence and often ask if this was always meant to happen in the story of our lives. The simple answer is yes, despite the hurt that it caused. But the best thing ever happened. I had my best friend by my side, and I can't express enough how thankful I am for this soulmate in my life. And I mean that - every one should have a soulmate best friend. In the summer, growth began --> summer concerts, dancing at Brother's on a Friday night, celebrating my 25th birthday, taking a trip to Chicago. I felt like, finally, life was showing me the grace that I really needed. Finally. After all of the tears, sleepless and anxious filled nights, feeling like a silver lining was never going to reveal itself. Comparing this to better part of the start of this year, I felt that the world had chewed me up and spit me out again, leaving me crawling and clinging on to only the idea of who I was and what I wanted.

I always try and relay with you guys a feeling of how things have been. However this time, I want to sum up the entire year in a song. One of my favorites of all time, by the way, most likely in Top 5.

The man you see above you is the generous heart throb that is Billy Joel - more known for the bar song we all belt out when we've had a few too many, "Piano Man". But let me turn you onto another you may not know. You see, Mr. Joel wrote another song, inspired by his father. Unfortunately, Billy didn't reconnect with his dad until about his 20s - his parents both split up when he was a kid and his father returned back to Europe. On his European tour, Billy discovered that his father was very much alive and living in Vienna, Austria. While catching up on life and walking around the city of Vienna, Billy pointed out a woman sweeping the street outside of a shop. He remarked on this to his dad, telling him that "it's kind of sad that this poor old woman has to do that kind of work". Billy's father responded "No, she has a job, she feels useful, she has a place in our society". And then there came the inspiration for a song. In his 2008 interview, he talks about the realities of aging in the states versus in European countries and how despite the older we get, we can still "have a useful space". He goes on to say:

"You don't have to squeeze your whole life into your 20s and 30s trying to make it, trying to achieve that American dream, getting in the rat race, and killing yourself. You have a whole life to live."

And thus "Vienna" was born. And it gave us the most beautiful lyrics, such as:

You're so ahead of yourself that you forgot what you need, though you can see when you're wrong, you know you can't always see when you're right."

"But don't you know that only fools are satisfied? Dream on, but don't imagine they'll all come true."

"Take the phone off the hook and disappear for a while, it's alright, you can afford to lose a day or two."

We all get caught up in this idea that we are running out of time. That if we aren't getting engaged or married by the time we're 24 or having children by the time we're 28, we've fallen behind somehow. But in the grand scheme of things, we are in fact very much on time. Everyone works off of their own clock, and everyone has their own success story of when they are ready. Some want to go and travel the world while others see the world in having children. Some see their success in getting that promotion they've been working on for 25+ years, and others may find that success in the fact that they just successfully changed their first tire in their first blow out on the highway. At the end of the day, everyone finds their little successes and achievements - but remember, we still have so much time. And all of the people we meet in the process, the love we make, the laughs we share, and the stories we share all make up those little memories that make it all worth it. And I can't wait to spend the rest of my life making more memories to fill along the way, because there is so much left of it, and so much room in my heart and mind to fill.

On a similar note, I recently just rewatched "It's a Wonderful Life" for Christmas. I haven't seen this little movie since I was about 12 or 13, but I still remember when my dad and grandparents wanted to put it on one Christmas Eve.

I didn't pay too much attention to it, as it was in black and white and I had the attention span of a teenager that just wanted to play on their DS Lite all day. But suddenly, at age 25 and a slower night at work, I had a hankering for watching a Christmas movie. And after 131 minutes of run time, I realized what a fool teenage Alyssa was LOL. I don't think she would've gotten it if I went back in time to try and convince her. A big theme, of course, talks about mental health and wondering what it's like, if not wishing, to have never been born. Feeling like when certain moments in life are pitfalls, absolutely feeling lowest of the low - what would be better right then and there to disappear? But what I did learn from this movie is that this big life is filled with so many people that will come and go, just like a diner. You see all of ebbs and flows that come with new people, with new experiences. But what I didn't get at the time was how much you impact them, just as much as they impact you. It sucks when some, if not most, of them have to leave for better or for worse. And just like the song Vienna, there isn't a rush to get through life. Life is hard, and I can say that with the greatest of ease. But what I know now, and I only hope to keep expanding and growing on as I get older, is that it's the things within it, the great perhaps, the greatest surprises, that make it so worth it. It's the fight for the next great thing and knowing that maybe it won't come right away, we never know when it will happen. But that when it does, we're waiting with open arms to embrace it.

So I leave you with this, with all of the rambling I've done, connecting this dot and that with a song and a movie - thank you for following all of that, by the way! Embrace this Christmas with open arms. And if you aren't getting presents this year, embrace those around you. Even if that's with friends, your partners, your dog, nevertheless. Those that are around that have stuck through with you. And as we creep closer to the new year, remember this. You have time. You have so much time to do whatever you want, see all that you want to see, and fall in love in the most unexpected ways. I hope you all have a safe holiday and make wonderful memories celebrating. Merry Christmas family. Thanks for sticking out this year with me <3