Tossing and Turning, Tossing and Turning...

Yes, I know I could take melatonin, count sheep, start back from 100, listen to soft tunes and white noise...but that kind of thing doesn't work for me.

This is an accurate image of me...well, it is not anatomically correct because I am not a guy. Anyway, I am awake. 5:30 AM Indiana time, while here in Illinois I am awake at 4:30. I don't think I have stayed up this late in a long time. From what I can remember, the last time I stayed up this late was at Hannah Lautenschlager's house watching the new 'Evil Dead' remake in her basement. We were scared, but the early morning hours made us very loopy, so I don't think we were able to appreciate cinematic greatness at the time.

I find myself like the person in the photo, with thoughts flooding my mind and preventing me from getting to bed. The reason that I am awake is love. Not the kind where you stare up at the ceiling and image the configurations of your last name changing. This kind of love that keeps me up is family love. The different situations running around in my mind come with solutions on how to solve rooted difficulties that have followed me around for about 3 years now. How do I put the pieces back together? How do I get so-and-so to talk to me again and communicate? How do I figure out how to pick up the pieces and move on? My mind is spinning, my head hurts from all of these solutions, and it will not shut up despite my body's wish to lay in peaceful bliss for a few hours. So what do I do? I get out my laptop in the dark and write about it, hoping that my bonus family will not hear my furious typing from the living room, pouring out my thoughts in order to ease the pressure of my brain.

My family has been through a lot. And I mean that. I am in a blended family. It is hard, especially when your family is spread across 3 states. Traveling is a bitch, let me tell you. My Jeep is a gas-guzzler that has an array of problems, from a leaking water valve to rack and pinion joints that want to steer me off of I-70 in an attempt to die. However, love makes me do it. Love in my family comes first, even before classes. I remember how my ex-boyfriend once told me on a trip to Jamaica that my family was "weird" and seemed "a little too close" because we care so much about each other. I just don't think he experienced closeness like we did, especially after going through so much loss. But the kind of love I feel for my family is so different that just any sort of love you have for someone, especially like my ex-boyfriend.

My issue with this kind of love is that I am a fixer. Just like my Mimi, or grandma Sue. Like I said in my first post, my genes are a little wonky. I wasn't born with vibrant long and golden hair like my mother and cousins. I wasn't born with the best athleticism or mental math abilities. I most DEFINITELY was not born with a slender physique...I got the 'big-boned' gene...but at least I can say I am pretty thick (with two cc's)...lol. My gene for caring and fixing came from Sue, who I thank for that every day. While it is a blessing, it is also a curse. That is why I am up at night, writing this blog to whoever reads it. My goal to fix everything and those around me does not always turn out as planned. It rarely works. So why does my brain continue to dream up scenarios of the 'what if'? I feel like we all do that.

I've said it before, I know. You cannot live in the past and try and figure out what is going on and who you can fix and "what if I had said this"? I hate that my mind loves my family and friends so much that it cannot flip the switch when it is time to go to bed. It really sucks. I don't know who else suffers from insomnia, but if this is a chronic problem for people, it literally kills.

I think what I am trying to say is that, even though a situation can suck so bad and you care so much for that person, you have to let them go. One of the best pieces of advice I ever got was from my grandpa Mike, Sue's amazingly smart husband. He told me that you have to focus on YOU, however hard that may be. Only you can control what is going on in your world. While the people you love can still be part of that world, they are on their own path and have their own lives to control and do with what they please. It is hard to let go of that control that you think you have in your mind, especially if you are a "fixer" like myself. The hardest part is to take yourself out of that mindset and let go of those thoughts. I'm still working on that...especially since I am currently still up at 4:45 writing this down.

It is hard to let go of the wants that we have for the people we love. But the most beneficial thing for you to do is focus on you. For those that are seniors in school, we are graduating in 6 MONTHS...how is that possible? Sadly, we have to move on from our tendencies of making grilled cheese for dinner and staying up to finish that last episode of 'Dexter'. But, we have to do that and move on with our lives. Sticking for one place too long in time is not healthy, and inserting yourself into another's life is something else that you can do but won't see personal benefit for. Letting go is so hard; trust me, I know. You are YOU: you control the body you live in, the actions you commit, the appendages and mouth you speak from.

I hope that for some of you "fixers", I was able to reach you. You have so much to look forward to in your life and you have to stick with it. For me, I'm going to graduate and pass my NCLEX and get that RN/BSN. Some of you are going to medical school, getting your master's, applying for grad school. IT IS SO GREAT. There is so much for you that you have to focus on so you don't lose it by trying to change another situation that might not. It is so easy to get lost, but don't get lost on you. You've got this.

Wish me luck on my en-devour to close my eyes and get whatever sleep I can. I hope that I can at least impact someone each time I write a new entry. I love you guys. Thank you so much for 160 new readers! Here's to me switching off my brain to dream of more important loves, like a cute crush or puppies or food...food works best.