The "CON" in Confidence...

Happy quarantine everyone! Wow it has been such a long time since I have last written a blog. But let me tell you, I am in bed, alone with my thoughts. Guess what? I can't sleep again. Worried about what the world might have in store for me next while I am visiting my mother in Illinois during this pandemic, I decided to hop back to my most comfortable position to talk to all of you about one of my biggest flaws :)

First, I hope everyone is doing as well as they can be doing while at home. Especially in Illinois, where everything is closed down, I can't tell you how excited I am to be coming back to Indiana where things are actually open. Here in Illinois, it is even more barren than what you already know Illinois to be. Wide open fields...but this time, no people. It feels like a war zone. I just hope everyone is staying safe, staying home if you are sick, keeping your distance to keep others safe, and washing your damn hands.

Right now, a thunderstorm is rolling through here in Washington. I used to hate thunderstorms when I was little, but ironically they help me sleep so much better now. The sound of the heavy rain, the flashes of lightening...how something turned from scary to satisfying is actually a relief as an adult now. However, the storms actually have an opposite effect on me at this moment. The device keeping me up currently is my mind. It can be difficult to shut your mind off at night, especially for a constant worrier like myself. I think the biggest thing on my mind currently is the upcoming graduation for Saturday and my final big test before NCLEX comes around. If you know me, like my best friend Abbi who has been subjected to our late hours of staying up and discussing our feelings, you know that the biggest thing that keeps me up at night is my mind. While the mind is a fantastic thing to study...I actually just got my minor in psych to try and figure out to control it...it is a bitch to settle down when you really need to relax.

I have to tell you that one of my biggest struggles is self confidence. Now, you may be saying to yourself that this is something that everyone deals with...what a stupid thing to disclose about yourself. However, this little terror has haunted me for most of my life. It doesn't come with just body image or hoping that the new people in your life like you, but it also affects my school work, the way I perform my job, the way I choose to act when I want to date, even how I talk to my family. I have so low in self confidence that I am basically Velma from Scooby Doo. I am that girl with glasses that is super smart but it just seems that no one really takes her seriously...which to that point, she just goes back to researching and doing what she feels comfortable - being in a personal bubble. Sorry for some Velma fans that might think the opposite. For some of us introverted extroverts, I hope you understand where I am coming from with my analogy. Here, I'll give you a better example:

Now if you haven't seen Dirty Dancing, I highly suggest you leave this post immediately and go view it RIGHT NOW. I like to view myself in the shoes of movie characters, since I am a film buff myself. If you know Baby from this film, you know that this girl DEFINITELY has some confidence issues. This girl is so smart, knows amazing things about the world, is a fantastic writer and story teller with a tremendous heart...on the other hand, she is not confident at all. When Johnny Castle - the hottest dance instructor at the country club she is vacationed at - asks her what she is doing in this secret sensual dancing hideout, she just literally says what she is doing:

"I carried a watermelon."

Ladies and gentleman of the jury, I give you the prime example of a girl who is not confident, even when talking to a guy interested in what the hell she is doing in the building. I present to you me in every single situation. I actually have a lot of respect for Baby in this film. She breaks through her boundaries of being the so-called "baby" in the family and shows her family and members of the country club who she really is. She GAINS her confidence...she literally performs with Johnny at the end of the movie to "Time of My Life"...AND SHE DID THAT DAMN LIFT!!!! Well, if you haven't seen it now, I guess I just pretty much told you what happened, but please just shut the screen and go watch it?

Anyway, back to what I was saying about confidence. These past 4 years that I have been in college, I have struggled with my confidence. I hate it so much. Why am I like this? I have no idea, but this girl is literally in need of some help to get her confidence back up. I literally fail tests because my confidence is so low. Can you say the same thing? I literally can't even have a really good first date or conversation with a guy because I literally get quiet and think to myself that there is no WAY that anyone can take me seriously with me being the way I am.

But I am the person holding myself back here in this situation. The problem with self-confidence is that you are your own worst enemy. And the hard part is that you have to be the person to break the chain and get yourself out of the slump. One of the biggest heartbreaks I had was this past semester with not getting through some of my tests...all because I second guessed myself on a couple of answers to keep me from passing the finish line. That sucks, and I'm sure I'm not the only one out there. Tonight, as the thunder rolls through the Peoria area, I want to be as strong and as loud as that thunder outside. I want to be as bright as the lightning striking the sky. I want to leave my mark on something knowing that what I am doing and where I am at right now has turned heads. It may be hard since we are all trapped in houses and you can't really see anyone's faces through these musty homemade surgical masks we all have on, but I can assure you that through the fabric, I am giving you the biggest smile on my face.

I am coming back. This quarantine has been so hard, especially for graduates in college, high school, nursing grads, professors, teachers, even parents....self-confidence all around the world is taking a nose dive due to this virus because we are stuck within our own minds at home questioning ourselves and asking what we did to deserve these 3-4 months. Believe me...a nursing student trying to finish up her last semester at home, as well as get ready to study for the NCLEX, where testing centers have us on full lockdown???? Yeah, I hit panic mode a few months ago.

Even though my confidence has been a sliding scale ranging from low to nonexistent, I am a fighter. Tonight as I lay awake in bed, I feel strong and powerful...all because of a little thunderstorm. For those of you that may be awake tonight, worrying about where life might take you or what is to come, I urge you to clear it and listen to the silence in your room or the rolling thunder outside. It is peaceful. The world goes on while you sit back and worry in the own little world of your mind. Psychologists have so many tricks of playing with the mind to actually calm it down and soothe all of the trauma going on inside. So just try and focus on what is going on now..

For all of the graduates out there, WE DID THE DAMN THING. We graduated! And we can do this, even when our minds tell us that we can't. We are so much stronger than what our inner voice tells us sometimes. It is just a matter of consciously putting your mind on mute sometimes so you can feel it. We are the thunder that is loud and noticeable. We are the class of 2020 that kicks ass, even during a pandemic. Our confidence is through the roof, even if we can't notice it. If you are struggling right now, know you are so strong and powerful. The brain may be big, but it is just one body system inside of a whole entire body. We are all unique in our own ways, which automatically makes us super special.

I hope I was able to ease your minds in some way, put a smile on your face, or just distract you with some writing for now. Don't put yourself in a corner ("Dirty Dancing") and remember how strong and amazing you are, even if you can't feel it!